Prone to be Inactive

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Even if today I eat healthy and exercise, it isn’t going to make me feel about what happened yesterday. I just keep thinking… if we met today, he wouldn’t want to be with me. That hurts way too much. How are we supposed to move on from this?

I talked to him a bit again yesterday. I asked if I were to lose all my hair and become emaciated from chemo if he would stay with me. He said yes, because that is something that I have no control over. Whereas, my current weight was because I did not care about myself enough to stop overeating.

I kept telling him I am confused and hurt but he says he is so frustrated and I need to deal with this on my own. Luckily, we have couples counseling every other week (although our next one isn’t until 2/13) so he will be forced to address this then.

I do have my own counseling sessions this week and again in two weeks, and I’m sure I will do my best to figure this out there.

A husband wanting his wife to lose weight seems reasonable, but to say “If I were shallow I would have left you a long time ago,” or “If we met today, I wouldn’t be with you,” that’s just so hurtful and wrong. :(

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20th Jan 13

My husband wants me to lose weight.

It bothers him that I have gained so much weight since we first met (about 90 pounds). It bothers him that I eat so much. It bothers him that I give up on every diet. It bothers him that I just keep gaining more weight. It bothers him that some of my health issues would be alleviated with weight loss. It bothers him that he feels if I kept going in this direction, and say, gained another 100 lbs, that he would not be attracted to me.

I don’t know what to feel.

Is he wrong for saying those things? Is he wrong for feeling about me the same way that I feel about me?

He says he DOESN’T want me to be a size 2. He says he DOESN’T compare me to others (he says he compares me to who I used to be). He says he DOES think I am beautiful and special. He says our relationship isn’t built on just looks and attraction.

Even so, it still makes me feel like shit. I’ve disappointed and hurt myself so many times… and now my failure is hurting my marriage.

It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around this because I don’t see myself ever saying something like this to someone I love. But, I’m not the type of person who cares much about physical attributes. Is it wrong that my husband does care about my looks? Does this go beyond weight? If I lost all my hair and became emaciated from chemo treatment, would he leave me?

And recently I’ve been thinking… the only person who wishes I would change is myself. My friends don’t wish I would lose weight. My friends won’t like me more if I lose weight.

But why do my family and spouse feel differently? Because they know how much it hurts me? Because they know I’m unhealthy?

I’m so confused and hurt and disappointed in myself. I made so many bad decisions to put me where I am today. Why can’t I stop?

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1st Jan 13

2013 Goals:

Completely run a 5K. Yes, I’ve done 5Ks and used to “run” 3 miles, 3 times a week. But, I’ve never been able to completely run the whole time.

Bake 1 new cookie recipe a month. Hey, why can’t goals be something I enjoy? And I think I can do something tasty but healthy using this Two Ingredient Cookie idea.

Enter a pie eating contest. Because it’s something out of my comfort zone and something fun, even though it sort of contradicts my next resolution…

Get healthy! I know that goals are better when you’re as specific as possible, but I am lacking motivation right now to plan this through. I just know that I need to get healthy Eat foods that are good for my body — heart, colon, brain, skin, etc. Exercise. Lose weight.

Enjoy my life. Because it’s really not that bad right now.

(Source: shilver, via mistertimelord)

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31st Dec 12

Looking Back: 2012

I started 2012 at 256.6 and surprisingly, I ended at 247.6 — a 9 pound loss!

This isn’t exactly good considering I’ve been in this weight range for SO FREAKING LONG now. Also, I had gotten down to 238 in May but gained half the lost weight back. Annnnnd I paid for 3 months of WeightWatchers and only stuck to it for about 3 weeks. -_-‘

So yah… while I’m happy to end the year with a loss, I’m just as big of a disappointment as ever. :( I seemed to have started the year so optimistic too. Then in March, the discovery of a precancerous colon polyp surely should have had me committed to healthy eating!

But, sigh, here I am.

My 2012 goals were as follows:

Reach 200 pounds by the end of the year
Limit eating out to 2-3 times a month
Go out of the country
Get my lipid panels to optimal levels

Err… I reached 1.75 of those goals!

Obviously I did not reach my weight loss goal. And, I’ve been eating out a LOT. With friends at work, friends outside of work, on my own… it’s hard when you work right next to the mall full of delicious foods and when you get home and you’re tired! BUT I realize that it will ALWAYS be that way. There will always be temptations in my face, and I need to have some god damn self control.

I do not even remember making that third goal, but I actually did go out of the country, TO AMSTERDAM! Which is surprising and amazing! Surprising because the job I talked about getting in Dec. ‘11 kept me on the line until freaking MAY when I finally got the offer. THEN in July they sent me to Amsterdam on their dime! It was awesome!

As for the 0.75 of a goal completed, that would be my lipid panels. Back in April, I finally got my cholesterol levels to the “optimal” range. I haven’t had my lipid panels tested in a few months, so I am not sure where they are at now but I’ll assume I’m still okay.

Even though I far from met my weight loss goal, I can’t say this year was too bad overall. Sure, it started off very badly for me emotionally but then I got to start a great job in May, and I moved to a townhouse, and made new friends, and all around everything is pretty good in my life! I just need to get my eating on track.